I have been sleeping with my head in the same direction on my bed for many years now. Last night I was sitting on my bed in the evening and felt compelled to put my head down in a totally different position, so I did. I slept like I was in another world.
I had many dreams about doing things differently than I have done before and spending time with new people I hadn’t met yet or didn’t know all that well. I was really enjoying it and learning a lot, but I was also very concerned that the new ways were going to disrupt the old ways, familiar consistent habitual ways that I thought I needed to maintain in order to be okay.
And disrupt they did. In a way that showed me the old patterns were not as stable or supportive of me as I had imagined. I was angry and hurt at first. Then I began to recognize. I was also freed.
Even my breathing pattern changed as I made this shift. I started to notice that although there were things that were passing there were also aspects that seemed to thrive in the space that was freed by putting myself in new positions, by moving in new directions. There had been no time or room to grow being stuck repeating the same old things, even if before it had felt familiar and therefore safe.
As I woke my perspective was quite different, literally and figuratively. My cat was really happy to get to lie in the spot I usually lie in that at times we fight over. As my granny used to say, “It’s a new day Neissy.”
Can’t hold on to the old day.
May as well face the dawn.
I mentioned to my son last night I was going to sleep in a new direction and he said he changes the direction he puts his head all the time and encouraged it.
I awaken with the resolve to keep stepping forward into the reorganization with less fear of the accompanying dissolution. To just keep going, see how it grows.
My son and I just went into our local Blockbuster Movie store to trade in an xbox game for a new one – we were part of their kid’s club that let us borrow one game at a time…and Blockbuster is going out of business. This is hardly shocking, and as one employee said, been a long time coming. All the movies were 99cents, so we decided to look around…and they started to play “Billy Breathes” by Phish in its entirety fairly loudly over the speakers in the store.
As I browsed the titles I realized this may be the last time I walked around in a movie store! As a kid of the 80s and 90s, I spent a lot of time in places like that, with songs like U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” as the background music. As when anything passes, I felt a wave of emotion rise inside of me, as Trey crooned, “Come waste your time with me…” I always appreciate perfectly timed musical accompaniment. I felt the wave rise, acknowledged it, and then let that pass too.
All the good movies were already gone, and our computers don’t have disk drives in them anymore anyways. So we bought some heavily discounted candy, thanked the clerks and bid them farewell, its been a good run. Then left the store.
Things are evolving so rapidly now. Just keep moving forward, can’t look back.
In order to evolve and not get stuck in what’s not or is no longer, you have to be willing to shift in mid sentence when you realize you are not in harmony. Even if it contradicts what you have believed in until now. It is not hypocritical to evolve and change, it would be much more hypocritical to stay stuck……